my elopement + handmade wedding dress

So, here's the kind of person I am: the kind that puts off planning my elopement for most of a year, finally picks a date two months in advance, orders (and then ignores) a bunch of silk swatches from Mood, and then completely decides to not think about the dress I'm going to make until three weeks before the wedding day. Once the three week mark hit, I began panicking about how I had absolutely no idea what I wanted the dress to look like at allllll, forced myself to iterate through several designs and fittings that just didn't do it for me, and eventually settled on a bodice front, bodice back, and skirt (all designed during different stages of the process). Then I ordered final fabric from across the country 11 days before the big day, overcame a few more unexpected and major design and fit hurdles, and then sewed the entire final dress up in 2 days (with 2 more partial days of hand hemming, the worst task) - done, with a dress I loved, with 4 days to spare! Phew. It was completely stressful, but honestly that kind of pressure makes me feel the happiest and most alive, and I can't imagine having attempted this big, meaningful project any other way.

A little more about our wedding day: Tim and I finally decided to get married after almost 8 years together. Practical maybe to a fault, we put it off indefinitely while we were both in tech, and once I quit my job we decided it finally made sense for both tax and health insurance reasons (and, you know, the fact that we're in love and had been together for the better part of a decade and had no intention of ever breaking up). Hopeless romantics obviously. But we did decide to make this a day we would look back on lovingly - no extended family drama, no 200-person guest list or caterer or florist or venue to stress over. And our parents were amazingly supportive despite not having an invite. We decided to run off to the woods outside of Portland, bringing along 2 of our oldest and closest friends, our corgi Tumbles, and a photographer slash witness to the ceremony (who I met in person on my Wildbride retreat a couple of years ago, and who had the perfect aesthetic for our chilly PNW woods elopement). I honestly expected at least something to go horribly wrong - freezing rain driving us all back home after 20 minutes seemed the most likely culprit. But honestly the day was pretty much everything I could have hoped for? The dress worked out, the rain held off, the photos are amazing, and our friend Phil's internet ordainment totally took and we ended up legally married :)

Here are some of my fav photos from the day, all taken by Liz Morrow (who I believe is out of the photography biz now, and I'm forever grateful she come down to take these before shifting career paths!).

For the sewists (or just the curious) out there, here's a bit more info about the dress:

My wedding dress was totally designed, drafted, fit, and sewn up by me. It's made with 3 kinds of silk: a charmeuse bodice with organza sheer panels on the front and back, chiffon skirt with organza hem facings, and even more organza used as underlining and sew-in interfacing for the zipper. All silk was ordered from Mood in the deep charcoal colorway. I also used flannel to underline the bodice to give it more structure, since I wouldn't be wearing a bra with the dress. I started off with my custom bodice sloper and iterated... and iterated.. and iterated. Lots of muslin and then cheap poly versions of my silks, and finally the real deal. There were a few terrifying parts during construction: trying to sew the angles of the sheer bodice panels without any creasing, turning the charmeuse straps out through the points of the back bodice, inserting an invisible zipper into two layers of delicate silk chiffon. But even though the process was full of indecision and iteration, it was surprisingly devoid of full on disasters, much like the wedding day itself! I really truly loved making this dress and am honestly thinking about having a one year anniversary party just so I can wear it one more time :) I actually considered going into the bespoke wedding dress field for like 2 seconds, but a huge part of the joy in this was knowing I had no one to please but myself. I just can't imagine dealing with brides and wedding stress that isn't my own. But for me, this project was the perfect way to celebrate my wedding day.

bernina!

Guess what! I got a new sewing machine! OMGGGG.

My previous machine (which I'm holding onto in case of emergency, or in case friends want to come over and sew with me, pleaseeeeee) was a Baby Lock Grace, purchased in 2011 after I quit my first tech job and took a few months off to mentally recover. I pulled it out about once a year to mend or sew something small and otherwise never touched it—until 2015 when I started learning to sew clothing. It's a perfectly okay machine, and it's held up like a champ through the last two years of nonstop sewing. I'd say durability and ease of use are its strong points; precise or tricky sewing, not so much. I knew I wanted to upgrade eventually now that I'm spending approximately all of my time at my machine.

bye, Baby Lock!

A couple of months ago I asked my instagram friends about what made a higher end machine worth it to them, and I got lots of great answers that convinced me upgrading would be worth it... at some point. Bernina seemed to be the clear winning brand in terms of popularity and quality across the board (with prices to go with it - oof), but I had a few responders swear by other machines that I'm sure are also great! My friend Liz let me borrow her mechanical Bernina for a few weeks (thank you Liz!), and it was a great experience. The stitch quality was amazing compared to my Baby Lock, but I missed some of the features of my computerized machine (auto button holes! auto needle down!), so I knew I wanted to invest in a computerized machine rather than a mechanical one. But I kept putting the purchase off, partially because I hate making choices like this, and also because we're still recovering from moving/settling in expenses and I didn't want to spend money until I had to.

Then a couple of weeks ago I sewed a pair of jean shorts, and the topstitching went super poorly - my machine just had trouble with the layers of denim and topstitching thread, and I had to rip out and redo my stitching so many times to get it looking good. It was an ordeal. About a week later I started sewing a self-drafted top that combines chiffon with pleather, and I realized that I just couldn't make it into something I was proud of using the machine I had on hand. So Tim suggested we go to my local Bernina dealer, and I picked one out that day (basically an "impulse buy" that I'd been thinking about and planning for for many, many months).

I honestly resisted this purchase for awhile, not just because of money, but because I was worried about using my machine as an excuse for not sewing as well as I could. There's that saying about how good photography is about the photographer, not the camera, and I think that also applies to sewing to an extenet. I didn't want to buy a fancy machine and let it make up for my shortcomings. I'm honestly really happy with the balance I struck here. For the two and a half years since I really started sewing, I've been constantly improving. The mini collection I sewed earlier this summer was honestly the first time I remember sewing anything and not feeling like I could have done a better job by the end. Which isn't to say I'm done learning, but that I at least have a couple of creations that I'm more or less happy with now :) But the jorts and the chiffon top stood out to me. I would stop, seam rip, and redo the parts that didn't go well, but I was becoming more aware that the things that went wrong were less about my sewing skill and more about my machine's limitations. Instead of just improving my skills when I redid the tricky parts, I was figuring out how to make things work despite my machine's limitations. This was a turning point for me - what could I produce if I didn't have that limiting factor?

I ended up getting the Bernina 530, which is around mid range as Berninas go. I also got a few extra feet that should help me out a ton with trickier fabrics (walking foot, omg!). I considered a nicer one in the 500-series, but it was significantly more money for things like a touchscreen and auto thread snipping, and it just wasn't worth the extra expense. I plan to use this machine for many, many years, and to make garments that I sell, so I definitely thought about whether it made sense to invest in an even nicer machine than this one. But I really think a fancier model would have made my life ever so slightly easier without really improving my output much, and I'm okay with this trade off.

I've been sewing with my Bernina for a week now, and yes it is just as fantastic as you might expect! I broke it in with the aforemorementioned chiffon top and then with a lacy, self-drafted bra, and the new machine made all of the fiddly parts go so much easier. Everything is smoother, the walking foot (something I had never purchased for my old machine) is AMAZING on trickier fabrics, and I finished the chiffon/pleather shirt and am super happy with it! The shirt honestly came together way better than I ever imagined it would. I actually have two fiddly silk projects and one in a very drapey rayon in the pipeline, and they are going to be a joy to sew compared to my old machine. Sewing is so much more fun now!

an update: life, career, + a personal project

life

As thrilled as I am to be in Portland and pursuing clothing design instead of tech, the last 10 months have been intense! Back in September, my full-time courseload overlapped with my last week at work. Prior to quitting I hadn't taken a week off from work in nine months. I got a little breather this past December, but we were stressed about closing on our house and planning the move, and then it was back to classes until literally a couple of days before we moved in April. I knew I couldn't complete the certificate program at my school, but I wanted to learn as much as possible. So I spent all of my otherwise free time getting ahead in the patternmaking program, and it paid off: I got to the last unit of the curriculum and got help fitting my pants sloper just a couple of days before we packed up the moving truck.

The first couple of months after moving were full of contractors coming in and out of our house most weekdays, getting mostly unpacked, and trying to stay ahead of all of the tasks that come with first time homeownership and moving to a new state. And then I was in a minor but annoying car accident (everyone is fine, but our car was in the shop for three weeks), followed immediately by a couple of our best friends from California coming to visit. Through all of that, I tried to find the time to sew some things for fun. I drafted and sewed a pair of paper bag waist shorts that, in hindsight, I don't think are my style, as well as an oversized flannel button-up shirt that I will certainly wear all the time in chillier weather. I also sewed a few bras using patterns from Cloth Habit, trying to get the fit right before I try designing and drafting my own. As we transitioned into summer, it finally felt like life was settling down and I could start to find a routine again. But what does that even mean for me now?

self-drafted flannel button-up, worn with my latest Harriet bra (shown in full but not modeled here)

career

I'm incredibly lucky that Tim's income combined with our lower cost of living here in Portland means that there isn't immediate financial pressure for me to get a job. But I want to have a career again, and I'm beginning to get impatient for that feeling of earning my own income and producing something that matters to people other than myself, so I'm thinking hard about what I want to do from here. I know I love taking a piece of clothing from an idea/sketch to a physical object, through the drafting and fitting steps and on to sewing it up in final fabric. But I need to narrow that focus more. Do I want to design clothing and have it batch produced at a local manufacturer? Do I want to create one-off, bespoke pieces myself? What type of clothing do I want to create? Since I sewed my first bra at sewing camp last October, I've had a fascination with the fitting and construction challenges of lingerie. I'd also love the opportunity to create undergarments that really help women to feel badass and beautiful as they are. But in some ways doing lingerie feels like starting over, since I know how to draft other clothing (skirts, tops, pants, dresses). The world of lingerie and swimwear is a different beast, and I'm afraid to start the learning curve over when I'm just beginning to feel comfortable with my abilities in these other areas. But when I type it, it seems like a pretty silly reason to avoid doing something I'm excited about, and I know my education at Apparel Arts will be super useful even if I do specialize in something outside of the core patternmaking curriculum.

a summer clothing collection

A day or two after our SF friends left in mid-June, I was thinking through all of this and found myself feeling really overwhelmed and defeated. I was in a bad place for a day or two, and Tim gave me an assignment to pull me out of it: make a cohesive summer collection, in the vein of Project Runway or the final project that I would have done had I stuck around to finish the program at Apparel Arts. We decided on a slightly smaller scale (five pieces of clothing, for three full outfits) and a tight timeline (two weeks, from inception to completion). I also have plans to make a swimsuit as a sixth piece, but I'm giving myself a more lenient deadline for that since I've never sewn or drafted swimwear at all before.

initial plans

This project was exactly what I needed! I immediately felt so energized and excited to have a goal again. I got to work on rough sketches and came up with a pair of shorts, a crop top, a pair of pants, another top, and a summery dress. Then it was time to pick fabric. I limited myself to three different fabrics (plus one more for lining), rather than a different one for each article of clothing. I decided to use a double gauze, a medium weight linen, and a sheer cotton, and then I went fabric shopping and found fabrics in those categories that worked well with each other. I'm normally not a pastel person - give me all black everything and I'm happy, and if I want to go nuts with color I'll choose a dark solid. But I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone, so I got an ethereal nani IRO double gauze with shades of light mint and lavender, a pale green linen to match, and then (even further from my norm!), a bright orange cotton batiste with a leaf pattern. The pastel veins of the leaves tie it back to the other two, and I think it all works nicely together! Once I had my fabrics, it was easier to plan specific details for each piece, so I began planning them more concretely. I worked my way through drafting, sewing muslins, fitting, and iterating over the next few days, one piece at a time.

The drafting and fitting process took about nine days, and there were definitely a couple of days in there when I told Tim there was absolutely no way I would finish this entire thing by the deadline. But then one day I had a pile of muslins that fit well, and five paper patterns that were ready to go with seam allowances and cutting instructions, and it was time to buy zippers, buttons, and my lining fabric so I could start sewing the final pieces. At this point I was so eager to finish that I was giving up my nights and weekend to sew. Each final garment felt like it took a long time, but looking back, each took less than a day. Considering that I fully lined most of them and was very careful in my construction, I'm really amazed that I finished all five pieces in about four days (finishing a full day ahead of my two week deadline!). I also felt great about how they turned out. This was one of the first times ever that I sewed something and didn't think "well, that part isn't great but I'll fix it the next time I make this pattern...".

This project was seriously great for my confidence. I struggle a lot with feeling creative--this is the reason I moved away from artistic pursuits and focused on math and computers when I was a teenager! I get stuck and feel like I can't possibly come up with anything interesting ever again. And then, of course, I step away and something comes to me and everything feels okay again. The shorts, crop top, and dress were pretty solid in my mind from the first day (you can see the early renditions in the sketches above, compared to the final products below). But the pants and longer tank didn't solidify until I'd muslined the other three and had to just make a decision in order to move forward. (Interestingly, that top is now one of my favorite pieces, and the pants are probably my least favorite of the bunch.)

This process certainly helped me to feel better about my creative abilities and especially my capacity to work under a deadline, but it also made me feel confident in my technical skills. Without teachers to rely on for fitting help or construction advice, I had to figure it all out myself, and that's really empowering. It feels like magic to have an idea, sketch it out, and then watch that slowly transform into a paper pattern, then a muslin (or several), and finally a real, tangible article of clothing that was just an idea a few days before. It's seriously kind of surreal, and looking between the sketches and the final photos still just blows my mind a little. It's also amazing being able to construct a full garment without a single written instruction, just knowing when to insert stay tape into a seam for stability, or install a zipper, or understitch the lining to keep it from showing on the outside.

Here are some peeks at what I made! I'm working on another post with better photos and way more details, so keep an eye out for that soon. (Edit: read it here!)

As I'm sure you can tell, I'm really proud of this collection. I really like the clothes I made and I think I'll really wear them this summer, and I'm excited to make a few more of the shorts and strappy tank in different fabrics. I really pushed myself in terms of deadline and going outside of my style comfort zone, and I'm so happy that I proved I'm able to fit and construct clothing without someone to walk me through it. But this is only the beginning! Here's to pushing myself more.

ok, what now?

So, now I'm back to thinking about what's next. In the short term, I'm taking a few days to catch up on everything I neglected for the past two weeks and to work on some house projects that I've been wanting to do since we moved in. (The most pressing: making my bedroom closet usable so my clothes can finally be put away!) And then I think I'll work on drafting that swimsuit and some bras, and hopefully practice making clothes for some friends. As confident as I feel about creating things for me, I still have no experience drafting or fitting for anyone else, and that is critical to me starting a business doing this stuff! So I'll spend some time getting more comfortable with all of that and see what sticks I guess? 

the waiting game, continued

So, I posted an impatient update about our house/moving sitch last month. Fortunately time finally feels like it's passing more quickly, and in two (very busy) weeks we'll be up in Portland for good! I am definitely operating at unsustainable levels of stress and sleeplessness at the moment, but I'm so glad the end is in sight. I haven't shared much about my school/work/sewing situation in awhile though, so I thought I'd update everyone on what's going on there.

As you may recall, I quit my job in September to take sewing classes full time. What I didn't mention at the time was that this was prompted by our (at the time still secret) move - it added urgency in the form of a limited timeline to take classes here, but the soon-to-be lower cost of living also made it much more feasible to drop down to a single income for the foreseeable future. (Side note: HUGE thanks to Tim for being so supportive, both emotionally and financially, as I follow my dreams! <3)

It's been about seven months, and I have indeed been taking classes the whole time, with a few much needed weeks off in December. It's been really incredible: I've learned a huge amount about so many aspects of pattern drafting, design, construction, and some of the ins and outs of having a business in the fashion industry. The full program at my school, Apparel Arts, consists of a long patternmaking program (it's estimated at 2.5 years of work, but you can move at your own pace), plus ten elective classes that each run for a couple of months. Each class meets once a week for 3 hours, with varying amounts of homework in between. I won't be able to finish the entire program, but I'm pretty pleased with the dent I've made since starting the patternmaking class while working full time just over a year ago.

While the program has been amazing and so useful, I've been surprised by how much time and energy it takes up. Working at my own pace, and with a hard end date, has made it really hard for me to take weekends off. I end up doing some amount of work every day, sometimes working way longer hours than I ever did at my previous tech job. As we get closer to move date, I've been putting even more pressure on myself to get as much done as I possibly can while I still have my teachers to learn from. When you couple that with buying our first house and then preparing for a cross-state move, it's been exhausting. I'm ready for a change of pace, and even though I'm sad there are some classes I won't have gotten to take, I'm feeling so ready to take it easy for a little bit and then work on starting my own business soon (and of course, to work on getting my work/life balance into a more sustainable place).

Classes

Since September, I've taken seven electives in addition to the patternmaking program. It's been really cool exploring so many different areas of apparel design and creation. Here's a bit about what I've learned:

Patternmaking: This is the class that started it all when I first starting taking it after work in March 2016. I've been taking this once a week since then, and I've made it more than halfway through the curriculum. The class teaches flat patternmaking: going from my body's measurements to a set of slopers that act as base patterns for things like skirts, bodices, or sleeves, and then patterning and sewing rough versions (muslins) of tons of variations on those basic components. I've drafted and sewn muslins of dozens of skirts, bodices, collars, and sleeves, and I designed, drafted, and sewed two skirts and two dresses out of actual fabric, including all the finishing touches of a real garment. Soon I'll have completed seven units of the curriculum, and that only leaves two more (pockets and pants) to do on my own.

 

Fashion Illustration: This was the first elective I started last fall, and it actually started during my last week of work - so much for time off! I learned how to draw the traditional tall, lean fashion illustration model, as well as how to render various types of fabric and garment details. It was really fun and useful, and I feel like I'm in a great place to use what I learned in my own way in the future. Also - I learned that I really like painting with watercolors and would love to take it up as a hobby if I ever find free time again!

Sergers & Knits: One of my favs <3 I love wearing knits (ie. stretchy stuff like t-shirts, cardigans, or leggings). This class went over some of the basics of sewing knits, various types of knit fabric, and then some drafting. I love how simple the drafting and fitting process is compared to wovens, and everything just seems so easy to sew and wear! I enjoy the technical challenges of making a well-fitted woven garment, but knits are such an instant gratification palate cleanser in comparison.

 

Textiles: This was one of the more "academic" feeling classes, but the things I learned will be useful for years to come. We worked through a huge swatch book, talking about the properties of hundreds of types of fabric, as well as how they are created, dyed, and used. I definitely need to look back through the book several more times, as it was a bit of information overload, but it's fantastic having real sample fabrics to see and touch as I think about what to use for future garments for myself or to sell.

Construction: I sometimes refer to my current situation as taking "sewing classes", but honestly this was the only class that was specifically about sewing. We covered so many aspects of sewing garments. Some things were review, some were easier/better ways to do things I thought I was okay at, and others were totally new concepts that I'm really glad to know now. Since I'm a self-taught sewer and plan to work on my own for at least awhile, I'm really glad to have this solid foundation to help me construct things in clean, smart ways, even when I'm the one making up the instructions.

Corsetry: I almost didn't sign up for this class, as it's outside of the standard certificate program and I don't really have a personal interest in wearing corsets, but it was a really cool class and i learned an incredible amount. This class took up all of my Saturdays and one Sunday in January, as well as lots of homework time in between. We used a commercial corset pattern (no drafting in this class) and dove right into fitting and construction. I learned how to install a busk, grommets, and boning, how to lace and fit a corset, what fabric choices work well, what the different boning options are and which are better for different parts of the corset, and so much more. I'm still on the fence about whether I'll make another (it was a TON of work for one garment I may never wear!), but I'm so glad I have the skills to do so if I decide to. And at the very least, I learned some things that will come in handy for creating lingerie or boned strapless dresses.

 

Draping: This class is sort of a counterpart to the patternmaking program, and it has seriously been so cool. Basically you take a square of muslin fabric and a dress form, and you create things that might take many hours to draft with flat pattern drafting. It's not a complete replacement for flat patterns, but I've started learning what works best in each medium, and it's just been a lot of fun overall. Since I don't have room for my own dress form, I've had to stay at the school to do all of the homework for this class. Seriously one of the first things I'm going to buy once we move is my own form, so I can play around with draping in the comfort of my own home - I can't wait!

 

Design Principles: This is one of the classes I was simultaneously the most excited about and the most scared of from the start. I feel really comfortable learning technical skills, but pushing myself creatively has been scary since I was a teenager. This class was a combination of fashion history lessons and exercises in building our personal design aesthetics, complete with a brand and 8-piece collection at the end of the course. I stressed hardcore about my final presentation, but in the end I left the class with a company name and aesthetic that I hope to make a reality and an illustrated clothing collection that I'm pretty pleased with!

 

Next

I'm spending the next two weeks finishing up my draping class and getting as far in patternmaking as I can, in addition to dealing with moving logistics, packing up the whole house, and taking a quick trip up to Portland to see the house in person! Our move date was scheduled based on when my last elective ends, and the timing ended up working out perfectly with the house renovations we're having done.

After we get to Portland, I'm going to give myself some time to move in and start furnishing the house. I'm also hoping to build myself a drafting and cutting table; this one looks relatively approachable. Once I get settled at home, I plan to take a few weeks to just relax and sew for fun - it's been so hard to do that when I feel like every minute (and flat surface in my home) should be dedicated to schoolwork while I'm here. I can't wait to have a dedicated room to do it in!! After that little break: business time! I want to try creating and fitting a few things for myself and friends as I work out what direction my business will go in, and I need to find a good small business lawyer to help with the logistics. Ideas around all of this have been solidifying for the past few months, but I'll wait to share more when things are more concrete.

So, that's my life right now, in this weird limbo period before things change dramatically. I'm really hoping to start taking photos of the things I've sewn again, once we move and have much better lighting and private outdoor spaces for that sort of thing. In the meantime, things will certainly be quiet here for a little while longer, but you can always follow along on instagram. See you on the other side!

no regrets

 

I did something terrifying today: I quit tech. I've quit jobs without having the next thing lined up yet, but this time I quit with no intention of going back into the tech industry. And while I've had more than a couple of moments of "holy shit, what have I done?!", the fear of spending my entire adult life in a career I'm just not happy in finally outweighed the fear of not having a steady paycheck and potentially failing at something I really care about.

This decision was twofold, even though the two parts are pretty tightly coupled: I wanted to get out of tech and also to start a career doing something more creative that I'm truly excited about.

A part of me has always wanted to have a creative career. I used to paint and draw all the time as a kid. I even won a school-wide drawing contest, open to K-5, when I was in 1st grade. I dreamed of becoming an artist. And then as a teenager I cracked down, felt like I should something more practical, found the vulnerability of being creative too scary to pursue. I set myself up for the stable and well-paying path I've been on until now. But I've felt the tug of a more creative life - not one that I have to push aside for 40 hours a week and only embrace when I have some free time. One that lets me wake up excited to create things as a part of my job. I read this blog post back in January and it resonated very strongly with me and caused me to start questioning whether my career in tech was really the only option. Then I went on my Wildbride retreat in February and was so inspired to see Liz and Kristina living out this dream of road-tripping down the coast, connecting with women and empowering them to feel strong and beautiful. And then I found Heather's posts about quitting her job to work on her pattern company, Closet Case Files, full time. I didn't know how to get to that place in my life but I knew I wanted it with all of my heart. But doubts kept creeping in (and still do): Maybe I'm not creative enough, I can't make something anyone actually wants to pay money for, what if I have a great product but can't figure out how to market it to the right people, maybe I'm too old to switch careers? But honestly - I don't think this would be nearly as exciting and (I hope) rewarding if it wasn't also incredibly scary.

On top of that, it's really hard to quit a job that pays well, is interesting enough, and has lots of great coworkers and perks - especially when I still worry that I don't have any other skills that can actually help me pay the bills. I thought about skimming over this side of the equation, but it's important too: being a woman in tech is tough. Things are getting better, but good lord it's draining sometimes. I'm starting to believe that in order to survive in the tech industry as a member of an underrepresented group, you have to be really passionate about the work you do or it'll eat you alive. My time in tech hasn't been nearly as terrible as it has been for many other women I know, but it has felt like one paper cut after another - this post sums up a lot of it incredibly well. I've never really identified as the "nerdy" type or wanted to spend my free time doing coding side projects, which has contributed to me feeling like I don't belong (as have some real instances of not being taken seriously as an engineer because I wear dresses instead of jeans and tech t-shrirts). I really used to enjoy coding, but over the last few years I've been enjoying the work less and less, and I've just started feeling increasingly drained, unhappy, not like myself. And in turn, it's been difficult to work on all of the non-work things I really care about, because I'm just so worn down. As terrifying as it was to decide to leave, it gradually became even harder to stay. On one particular day it crossed that line for me, and I spent the weekend panicking over what to do and making "what if" budgets based on my (admittedly nice) tech savings. And suddenly this thing that just seemed impossible became an option, and a few days later I'd completely made up my mind.

So: what's next? I'm still figuring that out, to be honest, but I have some ideas. I'm going to spend now through early spring taking lots of electives at my sewing school (in addition to the patternmaking class I'm already enrolled in - I wrote about that here). After that - we'll see! I'd really love to start my own business, although I think that's even scarier to me than just trying to find a job in the industry. I'm not sure if I'd rather make ready to wear fashion or sewing patterns or something else entirely. There are so many factors involved, like the market potential, the community I could build in each space, what I would really enjoy spending most of my time doing, etc. And I don't really know the answers to all of those yet! I'm glad that I get this buffer of classes to let me ease in and figure things out a little more.

absolutely perfect pin from Colette Patterns

One of my major goals this year was to pursue more things that scare me. That special kind of fear where you know deep down that you really want to do this but are so scared of trying and failing, so you push it aside, but it keeps coming back over and over. I felt this when I signed up for my Wildbride weekend, and again when deciding to take my sewing class despite feeling like I didn't have the time or energy for it, and now with this. So far I'm 2 for 2 on life-changing decisions, and I'm pretty sure this one won't be any different!

I honestly don't know if I'll be able to create a successful career in this field (where successful means "I'm able to pay my bills and am generally excited about the career path I'm on"), but I'm sure as hell going to try. And here's what it really comes down to: I really, truly don't think I'll regret taking this leap no matter what the outcome, but I do think I would regret taking the safe route and staying in tech indefinitely. So here goes nothing.

My own weekend retreat

I'm a firm believer in at least occasionally taking trips all by yourself. Even if - especially if - you have a partner/signifiant other/spouse/whatever who you usually live with and travel with. There is something incredibly refreshing about leaving behind all of your normal chores, responsibilities, work, having space to do what you want to do when the mood strikes you. Plus the space to be yourself - a reminder of who you are without your other half around. My favorite vacation ever was the solo portion of my time in Paris two years ago. I'm dying to bring Tim back with me someday, but I don't think that trip would have been what it was if I'd had another person with me.

Back in February I went on a Wildbride retreat. It was literally life-changing for me (I wrote more on that over here on the Wildbride blog). But I knew as time passed it would become easier to fall into old habits that I don't really want in my life. It's helpful to step back and recenter. I unfortunately can't force a Wildbride reunion every few months, but I also don't need to be around other people for a lot of the introspection I'd like to do. Thus: my very own Wildbride-inspired solo retreat in the Sierra foothills, with just a corgi to keep me company.



In some ways it was very different from my Wildbride experience, and less life-changing (which really wasn't a surprise). I had to spend more time making sure Tumbles was happy and exercised (corgis need a lot of attention!). I got to make my own agenda, shift things around as I pleased, spend plenty of time reading and writing and sitting with my thoughts. I also got way more alone time, of course, which was good for thinking through things but also took away the incredible, inspiring mutual support that was at the heart of Wildbride.

But in some ways it was similar, mostly because I planned it to be. Time in nature, surrounded by forest and water. Lots of journaling and thinking about life from a more distant vantage point. A lot less time on the internet (but still some time to catch up with Tim and snapchat when I could get a signal - I'm not perfect at this alone thing!). Hearty, home-cooked food, tasty coffee and wine, a cozy cottage. And making dream boards, which is maybe my new favorite way to kind of reset and align myself in the direction I want to be going in life.

It was hot the weekend we were there (80F - definitely above my comfort level). But I wanted to spend time outside, for my sake and for Tumbles. I managed to find info on nearby swimming holes online, but it was pretty vague - a bridge that wasn't on Google maps and that didn't have clear directions online, some extra directions from there involving markers along the road and a hard to find pull-off. Plus, there was no phone reception anywhere near where I was staying - just some hit or miss wifi in the cottage, and I was totally disconnected once I left the property.

In the name of adventure, I decided to try it out, a bit scared that Tumbles and I would end up lost and stranded, unable to find our way back or call for assistance. I found a point on Google maps that looked like the intersection of a highway and a river that I wanted and set navigation. (Side note: bless offline Google maps, which made it so much easier to navigate both ways without phone service!) Miraculously, I'd guessed correctly and found the spot after a beautiful 30 minute drive! I went to a few different spots along the same creek, most of which had other people there on a hot Sunday. The next day we ventured back, and my favorite spot was now deserted. I took the opportunity to climb out to a rock, strip off my swimsuit, and slip into the water naked. Such a freeing experience, being naked in nature, all alone (except for Tumbles, who is never far from my side). It was wonderful, being in the sun, surrounded by water and rocks and trees, no other people around.

I even took a few photos to kind of capture the Wildbride spirit, although my tripod doesn't come close to Liz's skills. I feel like the idea still comes through, though. Femininity. Nature. Strength and confidence.

It wasn't all beautiful and easy. I got hit with loneliness on Sunday evening at sundown, when I still had over a full day left. I was tempted to leave the next day, but fortunately it passed and Monday was a great day, and I was able to enjoy the solitude again. Earlier on Sunday, after hiking around, I began finding ticks on Tumbles. Over several hours (and with an unplanned bath with human shampoo), I found sixteen ticks on her. *shudder* And on Tuesday morning, as I was packing the car to leave, she rolled around in something unimaginably disgusting on the ground and had to get another bath before we could head out. I think those things mostly served to make the transition back to city life just a little easier :)

I'm hoping to do these little weekend retreats every few months. It's nice to have a chance to reset, be alone with my thoughts and nature, contemplate my life and goals and priorities. I'd like to mix it up - maybe somewhere next to the beach this summer, a snowy cabin in the winter. Perhaps another trip back to the redwoods sometime, since the Wildbride location was so gorgeous! And in the meantime, I have some great memories and new intentions to hold on to until it's time to plan the next one.

PS. The cottage I stayed in was an Airbnb, and it was seriously the best Airbnb experience I've had. So cozy, such sweet, welcoming hosts, and fresh milk + bread to boot. Find the cottage here.